Mad Backrubs

Here's the deal. I have a ticket. I will give it to you if you are cute and cool.

you: Cute young girl between the ages of 18-30 that enjoys live music, heady micro brews and mad dips of mahldawg
me: 26 year old dude with an extra ticket and dance moves that will drive you wild.

Are you ready for the night of your life? A night at the glorious fox theater with none other than the kings of patchouli tronic elevator jazz SOUND TRIBE SECTOR NINE? Are you ready to celebrate murphs cancer recovery while sipping IPAs with a totally chill guy that wears mad sweaters. Sketchy dudes never wear sweaters.

This night will be magical for more reasons than i can f****** count. I can count, so don't get it twisted because i'm great at math, there's just shitloads of reasons this night will rule.

1) tribe hasn't toured in a minute and this is the first time they've been to the fox. You know how sicky gnar gnar that is? QUITE. Also you will get to witness this show with a true vet who saw tribe at their first ever show at the tabby and has acheived true OG status. I have blacked out on schwills of terripan and mahlbumps at more tribe shows than you can even count. I will be high fiving so many dready kids you will practically be begging me to wash my hands between songs.

2) the mother f****** great cycle spectacles. the visuals at this concert will be like if dmt leprachauns f***** every major artists brain fabric and tore a whole in the space time continuum then reconstituted itself in LED form controlled by my muffucker saxton. Years from now when society collapses this dope a** light show will be etched into caves and s***.

2a) don't f****** smoke deemsters around me. this ain't a f****** biscuits show.

3) My company. I'm a really nice guy and whenever you need to use the restroom I will gladly get out of your way. Also, I will have a lot of water in case you are thirsty and I will keep a look out for security if you want to smoke weed or something. I will also hold your coat or let you wear mine. Chivalry isn't dead, it's just looking for chicks on craigslist.

4) I am not jaded. I will not complain about the lack of old material or the abundance of new material. I will gladly admit I like the songs with laptops. I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. Unless you are dressed stupid, then we can discuss how not to look so stupid. I'm sure your parents are wondering why you stopped caring about your hair and keep wearing those stupid grassroots california hats.

5) if you own, have owned or ever intend to own a grassroots california hat don't f****** apply.

6) I guess I am jaded.

F) mad backrubs at the hotey

I got two tickets to this show thinking I was going to bring one of my friends or this girl i was hollering at but it turns out they aren't down to rage like I am and couldn't even hold velmers coke plate if it came down to it. I on the other hand am completely capable of that and more. I don't mind if you are crunchy because we all go through crunchy phases but jesus christ if you are hanging out with me don't wear one of those stupid f****** flat billed hats with the writing all over it. If you or one of your "kids" took a paint pen to an item of clothing and customized it thinking you were in some way revolutionizing the world or headwear I will not enjoy spending time with you because you are either 17 or dumb as a box quartz crystals.

Also if you have dreadlocks that's kind of a dealbreaker. It's 2012 not mid nineties phish lot. If you are of actually wookiee descent or one of those dogs on the cover of Odelay we can talk but I really wan't to take a girl and not a fictional character or canine.

Crystals are of no concern of mine but if you ask me to hold it don't be surprised if i accidentily "drop" it. It's a f****** rock not an energy receptacle; get over it.


• Black Gildan short sleeve
• 100% ring-spun cotton
• 4.5 oz
• Pre-shrunk

Size guide